Monday, May 22, 2017

There´s a will and there´s a way

Sitting here, sun is shining and I´m wondering life. I saw doc last Friday, he confirmed that I´m tired. Yes, I needed someone to assure me that I had a real reason to that. 
Sounds funny, but somehow I was still thinking, did I just overthough things. I mean...11 years and I started to wonder, how long has this double life been going on. How much of my life was a lie and how was there a truth somewhere. 
That put me so down, kept me so tired..still kind of doing it, but feeling a bit stronger. 

Not gonna lie, my body is taking this strongly, my heart does this jumps and a small panic is around the corner. But. I have, against my odds, feeling that I´m starting to heal..slowly. I´m finding small strength again, real slowly but surely. 

I´m starting to understand, that I do matter. My life matters. My dreams matters and my feelings matters. Those are kind of new things to me. 

Sometimes waking up is at first so hard, but after some time... also empowering. 

I do have a will to survive. I will find my way. 

That I have to remember. And I actually do believe in that. I know, that there´s still so much to face, so much to overcome the end... I will survive. 

Kuvahaun tulos haulle quotes about surviving hard times
Need to remember that.....

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Waking up

There´s a moment in everyone´s life, that makes you drop to bottom or/and wake. I have had my share of those moments, but yet and more. I use to say, cheat me once and I´m gone. But.. I´m not. I have, maybe learned, grew up or just got more stupid. That I don´t know. But anyway, here I am and have suffered one week, again.
This last week has been full of emotions, I have been disappointed, angry, sad, mad, down, crying, having some issues with my heart. I actually was thinking, that there´s something wrong with me. Yep, I was (now I´m in the edge) in bottom. Now, indeed, feeling a bit shattered but some new feeling is waking inside of me.

Some small, light, shallow feeling of strength. Some shallow feeling of better me. Thought that I do deserve good things, to be me, to be free without shame or fear. I deserve to be me and do those things that I like. I´m not in that part yet, to figures what I really like but something inside of me is whispering: you will know....

I have lived mostly like I like. Mostly. I have kept, still, so much under the rock too. I have lived like is expected: being a good woman and acting like one. And no, not gonna be bad, no! But there´s such a passion to write, dress up, talk, walk like I use to. I have always been such a wild child. Keeping that away has been tough, missed that part of me.

It took this episode to open my eyes and realize: why the hell not? Why not do those things that my heart has whispered such a long time... me ignoring myself.

You see, my biggest "problem" is, I like to take care of others too much. Thinking that not hurting, or don´t wanna upset too much. Instead I did that to myself, but I suck it up too easily. That wasn´t too big thing to worry about. No? Me? Yep, way to go. Of course I should matter to me.

Still kind of confused, how to survive, how to continue, but just goes on.


Monday, March 20, 2017

Sometimes it´s hard to be a woman

Or person. Just..human. I decided to write here again, after I have written for so long other blog. That is ok..not good or bad, ok blog. The problem has been with me, that I haven´t done it actually the way I want. I tried too much to be something else.

In these time, when social media is on top and it is demanding, I decided that I shall use picture that I don´t fix. You know, no photoshop or so. Also, I try my best to tell about my life as it is, not as I want it to be. Like, shopping, staying in great spas or so. My being here in earth is all about family, training, food, fighting against my own head (small age crisis) you know, ups and downs. Like we all have. But I want more...well, "ugly" pictures and not too fancy things. Ok, sometimes, of course there will be some awesome clothes (In my opinion) and make ups. I love those things as much I love to drive fast cars and being dirty in back yard. Fixing yard, what did you think? :D

I train hard, 9h per week. 4 hours walking/ running and 4 to gym. But I´m not a fitness- type, I love goodies too much. Also, I´m in to power. I enjoy to lift hard, love to be strong. Not gonna post gym selfies here, no. Maybe something, how I am progressing with weights or so, but that´s it. I think.

Also, I´m Gemini by horoscope so I might change my mind about that.

Main thing is: no matter how old you are, what size you are, what color you fab. Be your own best. Be you. 

I hate, if someone say´s to me: Too old for that shi#. I´m not gonna be too old to celebrate birthdays. Or smaller things. Not too old to wear what ever I want. Not too old to have fun. Not too old to listen my music loud in car. Not too old for anything! 

So, even if I´m turning 46years, I wanna be free to live as I want. So..are you with me on this?

Time to hit the gym, I have in this week my test, how much I can lift in 5 RM. Today, deadlift. Not too sure, how much I shall put weight in 5 lifts..we´ll see! Wish me luck force. It´s not about luck, it´s more about me against me.

Good book, makes me feel like a pro ;)

Saturday, December 10, 2016

what a fab day

Dear diary, and if there´s someone out there to reading this.

I´m just starting to put my make up, nice clothes and then some delicious food. After that to some cappucino in some awesome place! Sounds good, right?

Well, the truth is...Yes, putting make up, yes, good food and nice clothes and having coffee but heading to see my mother in law to hospital. Reality bites here. I´m drinking black coffee from cardboard cup. Hoping that she will recognize me.

I would rather do that first thing, but I want, of course, go and see that iron woman. Who have had 2 strokes after one big one.

I would rather go to cappucino, cause then she would be ok and home. You know?

What can I say, life dosent listen always us, we have to listen it. Or close enough.

After that I was planning to do some decoration and enjoy chocolate and just relax. 

Reality: I try to clean whatever our 4 cats and 2 dogs has done, while we are gone. After that I´m taking my protein and go to our home gym, to lift some heavy iron. Sounds like a lady- thing to do?

Can I lost myself here, in some weird cloud and just be with my pink dreams? Like you know, fluffy, warm and happy happy joyful things. White, pure home and smiling people? Can I do just that, for a moment. Or week. Or... you know, more? I need some escape......small break.

Fluffy dreams.....


Sunday, November 6, 2016

Dearest weekend

Why did you let me go through all this?

Well, because you are my friend, dear diary, I can tell you more about it.

Today I got (almost) nervous breakdown. Yesterday I did what I didnt want to do: I ate...a lot. I mean, you know, that I´m having my trainer and diet...still, sausage..meat pie, chocolate, candy...all of those, that I have been avoiding past 1,5 years. I know, it was more for comfort than in need. Stupid me.

But since I was having my nervous breakdown, it felt ok. Go with a flow and so on.

Why then? Why did I felt like that. That´s a long story. Do you have a moment? Or two?

It all begin 2 years ago. My life, once again changed. Before that, 4 years ago it did, and actually it has been chancing all of my life. But I finally thought that there´s not too much changes to left, those hard one´s. Yet..there is and was. Shortly: I stared to take care of my mother in law, she got sick. That´s a good thing, that I can help I like to help. But since that...well, I have been dealing so many things, had to fight, do, plan, help....yesterday I felt like I really want to escape from my life. Today..I was so tired, that first I didnt felt a thing... later a huge cry. Now? I´m sitting in our home, drinking coffee next to fire place and calming down.

I realized, that I need more me- time. Me- doing. Me, as a woman. You know, high heels, lipstick, being a bit vain... that I need more.

One part of me is more or less a nurse but to be in balance, I need my womanhood. Like Yin and Yang.
It was long enough just Yang.

  • Meditation
  • Shopping
  • Spa
  • Coffee in some totally awesome place
  • Fashion shows
  • Romantic movies
  • Yet, a bit walking dead
  • Low calorie- chocolate
  • A lot of that (above)
That list will be longer, but to the start. Those basic things that every woman is worth of. Not too much to ask, I believe? 

I´m worth it...really. 

Now, I will see you soon again, this was just that first writing and told something about me and my situation. Next, I´m gonna be really bad and gonna play one playstation game named: Call of duty. In that game I can truly release my mind. That game is going straight to my nerves and I can act like man. Shoot, swear, to be that crazy bit##. After that I will make my nails, I have this awesome new color! It´s like winter, cool it. I will tell you more about it next time.